Papa of all times

Dear papa,
I'm writing to you and I know you won't read it or check it or maybe who knows. I just need a shoulder to hold on, I don’t know if you were here right now would you understand me or listen to me or support me but since I never met you enough to know you and never get the chance to experience anything with you else than beautiful memories all I can say now is I need you… although I don’t know how would you react.. and don’t know if you would be a person that I would trust and open to.

Papa i'm tired, and I feel lonelier as I meet more people, papa I need something. I need to talk without fear and express my self without tears. Can you hear me? Can you feel me?
Papa I can't read what I'm writing and I can't handle what's around me anymore, my friend is getting divorced papa and she will leave to her home land.. papa i'm so sad about it really she got married to an asshole, papa he hurt her in every way and yet he is enjoying his time and don’t give a shit about her.
Papa I want to help her but every time I do so my eyes papa my eyes get filled with tears and you know how I hate crying in front of anyone.

Papa I feel I don’t belong to anyplace nor any room.. my room feels dull my house feels empty my heart is in pain, you know about those people I just met and you know how I cared about them … but papa they are hurting me more and more as much as I'm being there for them and remembering them in a good way and respect them.

Papa they don’t stop making me feel down and weak and useless… I'm sure not papa but they are hurting me … even they are silent. Papa do you remember that teacher, engineer and Dr. do you remember how I respected them …well guess what now I became the bad guy and I'm the one who is bothering them. Papa all I did is care.

I need you papa I need your soul to visit me … I remember those visits of yours on my birthday night for the past years papa you would bless my whole year.. but now I need you papa I really need you. The people you chose to take care of me after your leave have changed they are no more what you know… they became shallow and easily to believe foolish stories. And who is to take over your place are actually the ones who used to help me build my self and guess what now they are hurting me in every way you can imagine…papa I can’t handle it any more papa I can’t .

The pain in my heart is double what was on back then when I discovered your gone forever. Papa you managed to surround me with tons of people who showed nothing but sympathy for the little girl who woke up one day to find out that the only love that would understand her and take a good care of her has gone.

Papa my uncles where there, my aunts were there my brothers and sister where there and my mom was there too with all the pain that is in her heart. She did a lot to keep me safe from harm she is actually and angel protecting me but papa no one could heal my pain nothing could stop those tears it's even getting worse the more I grow up. Papi I'm destroyed and I'm still willing to grow more and learn more and reach those clouds I want to be on, but my heart is weak, my brain is zoned, my voice is getting lower and my laughs are fake. Papa I need a love hug I need a shoulder that I would lay my head on without thinking million times or hold my tears.
I've always tried to hide my sadness from my mother your precious wife because I know she is as sensitive as I am and she needs who supports her too.. but she choused god to be her only supporter and he helped her go through with her life and be loyal to your heart and raise your kids the way you wished but papa I can’t open up with the sadness I have in my chest it will crack her and break her heart papa.

Papa I've been going through a lot and every time I get over it with optimistic smile and achieve in some other fields in my life but guess what now I had enough, I had enough smiling to people to make them feel good and they return it back to me by throwing a heavy brick embedded with needles and because you made the great choice with my mother those needles never made me bleed they just hurt me and made me cry.. and till today I never called for any help till today.

Papa as I said my friend is going home after that baby kid she got married to finally agreed on talking with her and they choused to separate and then comes this friend of mine who thinks I'm a psycho and they think its funny and that’s all because I asked about them and that other sweetheart who disappeared one of the sudden as if we didn’t use to share our thoughts all that time we did, and that other friend who used my sweet side to get into the family through you know who, and then this other friend who forgot me when she separated from her fiancé and that person who you know what happened and that other person who did this and that. Oh yeah and add to those people the ones who believe etc.

Did you see what Dr.Subra did to me? He lied so that I won't publish my work until he publishes his book. Papa I don’t know what to do. when I talked to you know who about it they recommend that I stop thinking of it because I'm better working than researching and when I talked to the other you know who was like yeah then do what they say and other  time with another suggestion.

Papa all those stuff I really don’t care about and I wont give a damn about them kil il qe9a I did a lot to too many and they returned it back with a slap on my heart, papa its hurts believe me papa I don’t wish for anything than your love and your hug and your shoulder to express my self on without any fears. I'm sick of being alone and no I wont get any closer to the ones around me.. those they need a smile to be drown on their face not teary eyes.

Papa did you see what L and F? did you see what B did? And do you remember M? oh well these are killing me how can I help them? I don’t want them to feel alone and wont be able to open up…well papa F opened up to me but I have to travel now to support. I can’t do that.

Papa I would love to tell you.. you left great things behind. My mother raised us well although I don’t listen to her much but the rest of the family they came up well papa really well you should be proud, I wish you can see what is B doing and R she is amazing papa believe me papa she is the sweetest thing ever but still they call her the mean girl and papa you don’t know how sweet she Is and how helpful she is. just like you she helps everyone without complaining or waiting for reward and F papa is building up and because he is your son he did the right choices and still is. They are really raising your name and now in addition of people stopping me to remind me how great person you were now they are stopping me to tell me about you and how great children your wife raised.

Me personally papa I think I'm not yet out there but I hope I will but I got from you lots of stuff as what mama and my brothers word. And the best thing of them all I got your eyes they say..  I guess you were hiding your fears too right papa?!
Well I will do my best and will prove to every one who tried to push me down that I can do it and I will reach that place and papa I got your perfume ( F got it for me as I gift.

Papa I love you.
You know who I am.
Note: would you please visit me I miss your smell.